When I first got back into church, my mother suggested a prayer appointment. I
was terrified to let anyone lay hands on me, especially my mother. I felt like my
insides were covered in this sticky black oily substance and I didn’t want it to get
on her. Or anyone else I love. I had to protect them even if it meant letting this
black oil slowly destroy me from the inside out. She suggested a healing prayer
minister I had known since birth and eventually I agreed. During the prayer
appointment, the prayer minister (PM) told me to picture Jesus in front of me in
my happy place. I went to that place in my mind and there He was sitting cross
legged waiting for me. I sat down across from Him and He smiled. The PM told me
to take the sin that was weighing me down and visualize it as something. I looked
down at my chest, where all that black oil was and I saw a spiky sea urchin.
She suggested that I take it in my hand and give it to Jesus. I was terrified. If I took
this thing out of my chest it would hurt and I’d be laying that huge sin out in the
open in front of Jesus. Deep down I knew He already knew about it but this was
different. I didn’t think I had the strength to pull that spiky urchin out of my chest.
I would bleed and it might not stop. With quiet encouragement, and a small smile
from Jesus, I finally pulled that urchin covered in black oil out. I placed it in Jesus’
hand and without even looking at it He tossed it into the sea. Then He laid His
hand over my heart and He sealed that wound. I couldn’t stop the tears then
anymore than I can now as I write this. One little step of faith on my part was all
that was needed. I gave that sin over to Him and HE DIDN’T EVEN LOOK AT IT!
Then when it hit me that I was that important to Him, that He loved me that
much, Jesus kind of tilted his head to the side a smile of amusement on His face
that kind of said “Do you get it now?” I was free. All that guilt and shame
weighing me down was finally gone. Jesus loves me more than anything I could
ever do. I knew then and there that if everyone before or after me had been
sinless, if I was the only one that ever sinned, Jesus still would have endured all
that pain, torture, and death just to save me. I was that precious to Him. Micah
7:19 says that God will throw our sins into the depths of the ocean. That’s exactly
what Jesus did for me that day. I am so grateful that Jesus lets me see Him. I know
who He is and He knows me.
The conception to birth prayer was new to me as a group of us settled
down, closed our eyes and opened to Holy Spirit. The leader took us
through each stage and at months 3 and 4, I felt a fear and anxiety that
was overwhelming. So overwhelming that I had to open my eyes and shake
it off. I had to just stop. The prayer resumed, and I felt a similar feeling
around month 7 but not nearly as strong.
A month or so later I was having dinner with my family (actually for my
birthday!), and my mother shared that when she was pregnant with me,
and her work found out she was pregnant, they fired her - for being
pregnant. She wasn’t in a position where she dealt with customers, instead
she worked at the switchboard. Didn’t matter - they fired her because she
was pregnant. Back then they did that.
I have always had a strong fear of being fired from work. Very strong. It has
been with me throughout my career. Always. And that fear had been
realized in my career, as I have had two times in my career where I have
been let go because of a reorganization. I always thought this fear I had
was unusual, because it was always with me. Didn’t seem normal.
Having gone through the experience of the conception to birth prayer, and
what my mother shared when she was pregnant with me, I realized the
source of my fear. Knowing where the fear came from, and having
experienced God’s grace as he carried me through both experiences of
being out of work, that fear of job loss no longer has power over me.