When I first got back into church, my mother suggested a prayer appointment. I

was terrified to let anyone lay hands on me, especially my mother. I felt like my

insides were covered in this sticky black oily substance and I didn’t want it to get

on her. Or anyone else I love. I had to protect them even if it meant letting this

black oil slowly destroy me from the inside out. She suggested a healing prayer

minister I had known since birth and eventually I agreed. During the prayer

appointment, the prayer minister (PM) told me to picture Jesus in front of me in

my happy place. I went to that place in my mind and there He was sitting cross

legged waiting for me. I sat down across from Him and He smiled. The PM told me

to take the sin that was weighing me down and visualize it as something. I looked

down at my chest, where all that black oil was and I saw a spiky sea urchin.

She suggested that I take it in my hand and give it to Jesus. I was terrified. If I took

this thing out of my chest it would hurt and I’d be laying that huge sin out in the

open in front of Jesus. Deep down I knew He already knew about it but this was

different. I didn’t think I had the strength to pull that spiky urchin out of my chest.

I would bleed and it might not stop. With quiet encouragement, and a small smile

from Jesus, I finally pulled that urchin covered in black oil out. I placed it in Jesus’

hand and without even looking at it He tossed it into the sea. Then He laid His

hand over my heart and He sealed that wound. I couldn’t stop the tears then

anymore than I can now as I write this. One little step of faith on my part was all

that was needed. I gave that sin over to Him and HE DIDN’T EVEN LOOK AT IT!

Then when it hit me that I was that important to Him, that He loved me that

much, Jesus kind of tilted his head to the side a smile of amusement on His face

that kind of said “Do you get it now?” I was free.  All that guilt and shame

weighing me down was finally gone. Jesus loves me more than anything I could

ever do. I knew then and there that if everyone before or after me had been

sinless, if I was the only one that ever sinned, Jesus still would have endured all

that pain, torture, and death just to save me. I was that precious to Him. Micah

7:19 says that God will throw our sins into the depths of the ocean. That’s exactly

what Jesus did for me that day. I am so grateful that Jesus lets me see Him. I know

who He is and He knows me.

Conception to Birth 2019

The conception to birth prayer was new to me as a group of us settled

down, closed our eyes and opened to Holy Spirit. The leader took us

through each stage and at months 3 and 4, I felt a fear and anxiety that

was overwhelming. So overwhelming that I had to open my eyes and shake

it off. I had to just stop. The prayer resumed, and I felt a similar feeling

around month 7 but not nearly as strong. 

A month or so later I was having dinner with my family (actually for my

birthday!), and my mother shared that when she was pregnant with me,

and her work found out she was pregnant, they fired her - for being

pregnant. She wasn’t in a position where she dealt with customers, instead

she worked at the switchboard. Didn’t matter - they fired her because she

was pregnant. Back then they did that. 

I have always had a strong fear of being fired from work. Very strong. It has

been with me throughout my career. Always. And that fear had been

realized in my career, as I have had two times in my career where I have

been let go because of a reorganization. I always thought this fear I had

was unusual, because it was always with me. Didn’t seem normal. 

Having gone through the experience of the conception to birth prayer, and

what my mother shared when she was pregnant with me, I realized the

source of my fear. Knowing where the fear came from, and having

experienced God’s grace as he carried me through both experiences of

being out of work, that fear of job loss no longer has power over me.